Wednesday

The Grieving Heart: Slow Down & Feel It

By Alley Smith

We can deny its existence, but grief is patient and waits as long as we have the energy to ignore it.

Timothy G. Serban

Over the years I have heard it said that every person needs to tell their story of loss and grief. This enables individuals to be seen, heard, validated, and cared for. Through storytelling, deep hearing, and authentic presence, we can offer ourselves fully to each other in a genuine way. 

Holding space for someone’s suffering is a profound gift of generosity. It can be a container to honor the arduous journey, unpack skeletons, open the chest of memories, soothe wounds, and so much more. Grief is never tidy. Thus, holding space offers safety and ventilation. 

Time and time again I have found that grief can become complicated when we attempt to rationalize it, conceptualize it, or push it away. It has a haunting quality. It can possess us completely and thoroughly. However, sitting, walking, chanting, bowing, and other forms of meditation can be healing while navigating the complexities of grief. Gradually the suffering will transform on its own. Individuals must have patience, endurance, and avoid criticism.   

As a combat veteran and end-of-life care professional, I am (and have been) intimate with death. About six years ago, a Buddhist teacher gave me permission to grieve the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan – and every single death I ever witnessed. In that moment, I felt a profound release in my grieving heart. I wept with tremendous sadness and great joy. The gift of permission enabled me to truly let go.

If I could offer a bit of advice, slow down and feel it – be with grief – and be open to receiving spiritual transmission from the pain of a broken heart. Seek out support and please be gentle with yourself. More than one person can hold your grief – so please communicate. Avoid embedding yourself in a cocoon. As Trungpa Rinpoche says, “In the cocoon there is no idea of light at all, until we experience some longing for openness, some longing for something other than the smell of our own sweat.” Be generous and give yourself time. 

As a listener, caregiver, or spiritual friend, we should never try to fix the bereaved person. Simply listen. Only offer advice and referrals with consent. Typically a person in mourning will grieve in their own way, in their own time. The process cannot be rushed. An organic and natural rhythm must occur. When we listen, we can allow ourselves to feel grounded in the profound call to care for others – without expectation or wanting anything in return.

Additionally, we all need help sometimes. It’s more than okay to ask for help. We live in a progressive culture where it’s a good thing to seek out support. Your example may inspire others: your vulnerability, courage, and bravery to give and receive kindness and care. If you choose to walk with someone who is experiencing deep suffering – remember to be kind to yourself.

Our faith tradition is grounded in a selfless call to care for others with a warrior’s heart. Embrace the journey with enduring compassion. As Chaplain Timothy G. Serban says, “The calmest waters in a storm are just beneath the surface; go deeper.” Trungpa Rinpoche says, “In the Shambhala tradition, discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart.” Consider this advice as trustworthy … and if nothing else, a finger pointing at the moon.

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About Chaplain Alley Smith

Chaplain Alley Smith is a board certified Buddhist Minister of Religion (Upadhyaya) in the Shambhala Lineage. She also holds 10 precepts in Zen Buddhism. Alley is a US military war veteran. She specializes in end-of-life spiritual care  and mortuary affairs. Alley has been a student of Shambhala Buddhism and Zen since 1999. She currently hosts, “Making Friends with Death and Dying: Support Group,” on Shambhala Online.

[email protected]

Upcoming programs with Alley:

Meditation for a Broken Heart: July 31, 2024, Shambhala Online: https://shambhala.org/event/702431-meditation-for-a-broken-heart/
Peacemaking & Sustaining the Heart of Compassion: August 17, 2024, Shambhala Online: https://shambhala.org/event/722813-peacemaking-and-sustaining-the-heart-of-compassion/