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Apr 01
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Special News Releases for April

Breaking news on climate change

submitted by Ira Phlado


Glaciers receding in wake of meditative upswing

Climatologists have confirmed that not only is Global Warming a true phenomenon but is in fact a man-made occurrence. The gradual increase in the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere and its oceans is a change that is believed to be adversely impacting the Earth’s climate. Climate change is the single biggest environmental and humanitarian crisis of our time. But it turns out that it is not caused in the way that was first hypothesized.

It has been traditionally supposed that greenhouse gas emissions, notably carbon dioxide and methane, trap the energy of the sun within the earth’s atmosphere, therefore heating up the space around the earth. Although the increase of near-surface atmospheric temperature is the measure of global warming often reported in the popular press, most of the additional energy stored in the climate system since 1970 has gone into ocean warming, which naturally affects the melting of glaciers. The rising of the oceans due to this melting will affect not only the plants and animals of the world, but we humans as well.

In a shocking revelation of science, it has recently been discovered that the true cause of this warming is not merely greenhouse gases, but rather the global phenomenon is occurring as a result of more and more people practicing meditation, thereby revealing the Great Eastern Sun residing in their hearts. As the numbers of meditators continue to rise, the increase in the radiant input of cardio-solar energy to the atmosphere is estimated to result in a global temperature spike of 4 degrees Celsius, even considering the best of hypothetical conditions in which levels of greenhouse gasses are reduced to pre-industrial levels.

Editor’s note: Shambhala Centres worldwide are advised to re-evaluate their curricula in light of these findings.

Sakyong Mipham to Convene “Over 70” Retreat

Over 70 retreat center

The Kalapa Council announced today that Sakyong Mipham has convened a retreat for students aged 70 years and over. After reviewing alternative venues, the organizing committee for the retreat has chosen an unexpected location as the site for the gathering: Marriott’s World Center Resort in Orlando, Florida. When asked about the decision to go with the resort, retreat coordinator Jim Fladmark said it came down to one thing: “elevators,” adding “we asked ourselves what would make this particular group of students happy, or just willing, really, to be where they are. That contemplation led us to some new areas.”

‘These students are more likely to want to stroll with the Sakyong than go for a run. Their teacher may be accessible on social media, but many of these folks haven’t caught up with the technology, and it’s not clear they will,” texted Wendy Friedman, Kalapa Council member and advisor to the retreat.

Based on responses from focus groups, the retreat has been set in Orlando for January 2017. “When we looked at topics that seemed to capture the minds of the demographic, there was consistency,” said Mr. Fladmark, adding, “I like the cold, but not everybody feels that way.”

In an under-30 group meeting in Halifax, response to the retreat was mixed. “Yeah, we’ve been calling it ‘Vajra Dusk,’” said Rob, resident and student at Dalhousie, adding “I wouldn’t go to Orlando if you paid me.” Jennifer, a barista, was more reflective, “My grandmother does water aerobics at her local swimming pool, and she loves it.”

Calling the resort’s name (World Center) “auspicious,” Mr. Fladmark thought it likely that participants, many of them grandparents, would take advantage of Disney World—which isn’t far from the hotel. “The Druk Sakyong loved Disney World,” he remarked.

Marijuana In Everyday Life

Shrine for Marijuana in Everyday Life

With the recent legalization of  marijuana in Colorado, and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s plans to legalize marijuana throughout Canada, Shambhala is now exploring a new weekend program. In close consultation with our centres in Bloomington and Potzcuaro, Acharyas Greenleaf and Shastri Stone have developed a pilot program they hope to roll out soon.

The program, entitled Marijuana In Everyday Life, As Far As the Eye Can See, recalls the words of American founding father Thomas Jefferson: “‎Some of my finest hours have been spent on my back veranda, smoking hemp and observing as far as my eye can see.” It is yet unclear whether this level will be the first in a series, or simply go nowhere.
Editor’s Note: Happy April 1st to all of our readers — enjoy the day, and remember to keep smiling!
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4 responses to “ Special News Releases for April ”
  1. Susie Cook
    Apr 2, 2016

    Hilarious! Thank you!

  2. I like a laugh as much as the next guy, maybe more so. Marijuana – sure, not that funny, but who cares? Maybe we take political correctness a little too far sometimes and need to lighten up. But climate change and aging as the subject of silly jokes? Really? Maybe we can get some laughs about refugees or gun control?

  3. Almost Over 70
    Apr 1, 2016

    Two good April Fool articles. But I must say–Just what is so funny about an “over-70” retreat? Sounds like a good idea to me.

  4. Linda V. Lewis
    Apr 1, 2016

    Delightful April Fools’ News! Wish the last 2 were true. As to the first, perhaps we should start appreciating the Great Eastern Moon in our head, which has the power to cool the kleshas along with the environment! in any case, a sense of humor is so needed everywhere. This being the monkey year, perhaps we could remember to make humor a daily practice of delight.

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